Ok, So I’ve dropped off the scene for a while it terms of sharing The Reality of Gaming. This time off has given me a lot to look at.
1. Perfect pictures don’t work in life
Having this picture in my head of where TRG could go and all the amazing things that could stem from it completely engulfed me as there was the carrot of being recognized and rewarded for my efforts but in this I put no action into truly supporting the purpose of the project which doesn’t just occur when recording but in my everyday life.
2. Holding back what I have to share is becoming increasing uncomfortable!
Like physically painful, I am finding that in order to hold back what I have to share I am using massive amounts of energy in my daily life to hold back
3. Giving up due to pictures not being met
What I mean by this is that I had a picture of how life should be and how this project should go, namely that people would get involved, comment, join conversations etc. But when this didn’t happen I felt my self-worth start to drop and thus I cut myself off from expressing like a hurt child saying ‘You don’t listen to me so why bother’. But I refer to point 2 again, regardless if people respond or not by not continuing to express I not only shoot myself in the foot but others miss out on what I have to share. How can anything start moving if we all hold back and stand still?
4. Basing my self-worth and by ability to express based on what other people do doesn’t work
Using people as my traffic lights, waiting to be allowed to speak has stifled my expression, not just with this project but in life! How many of us where taught to speak only when something was wanted from us like an answer at school? Or when we were given the floor to present.
5. How much deeper can I go?
This is in reference to my video recordings, you can learn so much by watching yourself! Even with the sound off I tend to re-watch recordings to watch my movements or watch with the sound on to hear the tones in my voice. At first these reviews where constantly focusing on my imperfections and it feels like having dropped this part from my routine I am missing out on seeing and feeling my own expression. Because like First person perspective games you rarely see your body unless it’s in the mirror – however in real life I don’t stand in front of the mirror and start repeatedly crouching or jumping and spinning.
Over time as I watched myself I could see my expression changing and a growing appreciation for myself. It was like points 3 and 4 have held me back exploring and valuing what I do and have the potential to bring regardless of how it is then received by others.
There is so much more that has occurred but even in these down periods there is much to learn. As I take the time to delve into what makes a project, it’s purpose and the quality that goes into making it and the quality of the life lived that leads up to that moment of sitting in front of the camera much has been uncovered. If we take a look at one part of life what we can find is that nothing is separated and that aspects in one area can often be found in other if not every other area of life as well. If one area has an aspect that goes unaddressed then that has a bleed affect into all other actions and parts of life. Looking at this project under the microscope with this in mind has exposed other areas of life that contain the same quality.